When I first begain my journey toward health, and weight loss, I have to admit part of it was fueled by pure fear and panic. I realized with painful insight that I really was killing myself with every bite I took. I also knew that no one could do it for me and I vowed to God to get as healthy as I could.
Now, approaching the 100 lb. mark I started obsessing on that number. That, long unattainable goal. I couldn't wait. 100 pounds. I have been mentioning it to everyone, counting down the pounds...95...96...97...and a half. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that 100 is just a number, that I still have many, more pounds to lose, still have diabetes. But...100 pounds! So I went to the doctor for blood work recently with a spring in my step, and my heart pounding with excitement. Today was the day! As I stepped upon the scale my mind raced with visions of the accolades my friends and family would soon be heaping upon me. I stared expectantly at the nurse as she watched the digital readout on the scale. And...I hadn't lost anything. Not a pound, not a ounce. I could feel the smile fading from my face, as I asked the nurse to "check again, please." I weighed exactly the same as I had two weeks earlier. I hadn't gained anything, I hadn't lost anything. Limbo.
I felt frustrated. I felt cheated. I felt...guilty? You see, vows to God should never be taken lightly. Yes I had remained true to my vow, but my motives had begun to change. I was basking in the glow of self-congratulation and enamoured with the idea of losing 100 pounds. I had forgotten that it was only through God I was able to do anything. It wasn't MY strength of will , it was HIS. The goal wasn't 100 pounds...it was getting healthy. Whatever purpose God has for my life, I need to be healthy enough to fulfill it. THAT's the goal. Living to see my daughter grow up...that's the reward. God in His infinite wisdom gently deflated my prideful balloon and reminded me of that.
My journey is a humbling one.
A few days ago I went shopping with my Mom and daughter. While Mom was in the dressing room, I decided to kill the wait time by trying on a pair of jeans. Jeans are a big deal to me, because I haven't been able to fit into jeans for years They were too big! Incredulously, I tried on two more pairs, each one a smaller size than the last. I cannot express how thrilled I was. And best of all? My daughter was there.
I am now a owner of a pair of jeans.
My journey is a joyous one.
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